My book is currently undergoing some changes. I have found, on Amazon, another writer is using my pen name, or maybe, I came second. Regardless, I am using another pen name to distinguish between the two of us. As soon as possible, I will have the cover changed to make that different as well. Here is the first place that I have made changes and I am beginning a new section, with portions of the book showing up here and there. If you want to know more, stick around, or just email me. I can be reached at email@example.com And if you want to purchase this book, find me at http://www.gradergalbooks.com and find your way to a Kindle or Nook. And remember, they can be loaded on your pc as well.
Divorce, Girlfriends, Phone Calls
Why he makes me sick
This book has been written over the last two years of my life. It is based on events in my life. It is written from my point of view. I may remember things differently than the people I write about. I change their names for their privacy. I take responsibility for my actions and I am responsible for anything that may be incorrectly stated. But, remember, I wrote it from my memory, not theirs.
I dedicate this book to my mother, my grandmother and all the women in my family before me. Each teaching me something new, to make me better.
Divorce, Girlfriends, Phone calls
And why he makes me sick
Is being published by Terri Louise
Grader Gal Books
All rights reserved. No part of this work may be reproduced in any form without the
permission in writing from the copyright owner.
Published in the United States of America.
All Characters in this book are variations of life. If any resemble the life of anyone else living or dead, is purely coincidental and unintentional.
When my divorce happened, I wanted a quick fix to what ailed me. I wanted my heart to stop hurting right that first second that it broke. Now almost three years later, I have done a lot of healing. You that are hurting, just BREATHE. You will make baby step after baby step, until one day, they are normal steps again. Until one day, the ache in the chest and the pain in your gut, eases. It won’t be easy, it won’t be fast. But, know, YOU are not alone. Do things selfishly for you. Small things, like a movie night. Or the most wonderful burger you’ve ever tasted. Play cards with the friends or have dinner with your buddies. This is the time, you learn who your friends are, and which family members will tolerate your tears and your anger. It is a most intolerable time, but you must go through this, to find…….YOU.
February 20th, 2010
So, where in the world do I start. I know that life as I knew it ended on September 2nd, 2008. That was the day that my husband walked away from everything. That was the day that I had to be stronger than I had ever been.
My son had his first football game, ever. I was still recovering from spinal surgery. I had blown two discs in my lower back. And, on that sunny afternoon, my boy and I arrived at the football field at about the same time. I drove, he walked with his team. His dad came later. We were having a rough patch, my husband and I. I had no idea what his plans were at the time. My husband was always late, and I figure he will even be late for his own funeral. Anyway, he arrived late and I asked for a kiss. He snidely remarked, “I’ll think about it.” Wow, how could I want to slap him in one instant, after feeling all the love in the world a moment before? It just goes to show how well he was at pushing my buttons.
I fell silent and pouted watching the game. My girl friend, Renae, was sitting next to me. I could see she was seething. She was quiet for some time. My husband, made a comment, that he had not picked on Jackie in some time and wondered off to flirt with another woman in front of me. In front of me, god, and everyone. It was bold and crass…and not a good thing to do. He had done it before at other social events. Many a baseball game and Christmas plays and parent teacher conferences. When he showed at all. I guess I had been the only one fooled by him.
My friend Blume explained to me once, why. Why in god’s name could he be cruel and mean and nasty to me? And she explained THIS to me…and until she did… I could never figure out why he was the way he was. She said, “I was not an idiot, or even naïve. It was a simple fact…that I would NEVER do that to anyone, and only expected them to be the same way. Trusting them was just how I was. So, when he did his stupid mean, nasty things, it never occurred to me, because I was not that kind of person.” It completely made sense to me after that.
So, my son played hard and fast and ran like the wind. I was in hell. My back ached, my heart hurt……and he was being an ass in front of all my friends and family. And I was tolerating it and I was thinking, I could fix this. Something was coming and I did not know what. I could feel the change in him. He was no longer a good husband. He was mean and distant and cruel.
I had been having dreams of his infidelity, and quite frankly, I knew that they were real. Not JUST dreams. I don’t dream that vividly, and not have them come true. I don’t really let people know this about me. It weird’s them out. If I have a dream three nights in a row….I start watching for it in the day time.
My son and I drove home. I was promised that my husband would not be far behind.
It was some time before he arrived, and man what a fight that occurred. All I did, was ask him to stay for dinner. He had been staying at his sisters during the week. We lived an hour from his job. And the excuse I was given…..It was cheaper on gas. Which, is a valid point. If he had done it when the fuel prices were around the five dollar mark. Now, I have asked him to have dinner with his family. You know, his wife and his son. I had no idea that it was such a terrible idea, until that moment.
He had to have a set of shelves to set up at his sister’s house. It was DIRE! His stuff was all over the ground. Well good grief! It had been sitting on the ground for ten year’s. What the heck did it matter now? I yelled at him for spending more time with his friends and for always being drunk. He yelled back. I know I should have some memory of what it was….but….as it goes…I tend to block some of the nasty things he has yelled at me. I was pissed and so very upset. My head hurt. My heart was being torn apart. And he left. He got in his white Chevrolet pickup, and drove away. He would not talk to me all week. I had no idea whether he was alive or dead. I have no idea how many times I called him. I had to fix this. A perpetual thing I did in our marriage. I was the fixer. Or, as I learned later…the codependent.
I can’t count the times I did not leave him a message on his cell phone. I mostly called to hear his voice. Somehow, that calmed me. Even if he was dead, I would keep the phone and the message on it, so I could hear his voice. I tried one more time that week. I called his sister’s house, and finally he answered. I know he was still mad as hell at me. He treated me like dirt. I think he treated our dog’s better than he did me during this period. His tone was angry and demeaning. I was sad and Bambi like. I wanted to beg him to come home. But, somehow, the words never happened. He seemed very unreasonable to me and as a tradition with him, he would not stop yelling at me until I cried. When he was satisfied that I was completely falling apart, he would hang up on me. That was the beginning of a pretty horrible way to communicate…and also the beginning of me taking back my life.
That Friday, I filed for divorce. My sister loaned me money. My mom drove me to the court house so I would not chicken out. It was a close one several times that morning. I looked my very good friend in the eye and told her, I needed the papers to file for a divorce. I tried to stand at the counter and fill them out, but, my stomach started coming up my throat. ICK! They ushered me into the jury room, and I sat. I cried the whole time I was in there. As I finished, I took a deep breath, and wiped away the fears and tears, swallowed my gullet, and filed those papers.
That Saturday he came home.
He made it home by mid afternoon. He even called to confirm. Other than reservations, that would be the first time for him. To call, and actually show up when he intended to. We talked on the lawn. We talked on the porch. We yelled in the bedroom. He folded his arms around his chest and poofed himself up like a turkey, to look more menacing. I wanted to be anywhere, but there. I was dieing inside. It was all coming apart. I was doing a good job remaining calm on the outside, but, I was a blubbering, bumbling, idiot on the inside. My heart pounded, my stomach wanted to wretch, and my eyes were swollen and puffy with expectation of more tears. This man, that I loved more that anything else in the whole world, was about to walk away from EVERYTHING we had built together. Us, our kids, and our home. Seventeen years of him telling me he would never leave, that nothing could make him go. And now, at that second, he was going. I threw in the towel.